Te bom lahko imela tako zelo rada?

“Kako si lepa in kar žariš”, je bilo moje iskreno mnenje.
“Hvala, res se dobro počutim v tej nosečnosti. No, je težje, ker se zaradi malega “fakina” ne morem odpočiti, ampak vse drugo je odlično. Samo …”
“Ja? Kaj samo?”
“Ena stvar me muči. Ne vem no, skoraj ne upam na glas vprašati, ampak si ne morem pomagati. Hm … Muči me le tole, ali bom lahko imela tega otročka, ki raste v meni, tako zelo rada, kot imam rada svojega prvega otroka?”

Strah v prijateljičnih očeh me je odnesel v svojo drugo nosečnost. Namesto odgovora sem ji povedala svojo zgodbo.

———————————————————————————————————————————–

Drugič noseča. Tako željna te nosečnosti in tako zelo, zelo srečna. Vse je bilo prav. Lara je imela 3 leta, začela sva urejati najin novi dom, najino hiško, poslovno sva bila uspešna. Torej, ravno pravi čas za drugega otroka. In ko sem zagledala plusek, sem jokala od sreče, ravno tako kot v prvi nosečnosti. Torej prihaja naš drugi otroček. Vse je tako, kot mora biti. In večji kot je bil trebuh, višja kot je bila nosečnost, bolj kot se je bližal čas poroda, bolj se je začel porajati strah. Zastavljati sem si začela enako vprašanje, kot mi ga je pred kratkim postavila prijateljica. Ali bom res lahko tako močno ljubila to novo osebico, kot ljubim svojo hčer? Kako je to sploh mogoče?

Ko dobiš prvega otroka, ko se zaljubiš, ko spoznaš to vrsto ljubezni, kot jo lahko samo starši čutijo do svojega otroka, je noro. Svet se spremeni, resnično se spremeni. Pomembne postanejo stvari, na katere prej sploh nisi pomislil in končno lahko rečem, da sem začela razumeti svojo mamo.

Vse kar dobiš z otrokom; ljubezen, skrb (nenehno skrb), strah in veselje, največ veselje. Vse to te začne izpolnjevati na polno. Spoznaš svojo drugo plat, spoznaš mamo v sebi.

 

Ko si tako poln ljubezni in poln novih čustev, ki si jih prej nisi niti predstavljal, prihaja na pot še ena osebica, za katero naj bi ponovno imel spet pripravljena vsa ta čustva. Ampak kako, ko pa sem vsa svoja že dala svojemu prvemu otroku? Kako lahko vse to še enkrat dam, kako lahko vse to še enkrat občutim. In nekje globoko v sebi, si ljubusumno in trmasto rečem, da nočem tega čustva deliti. Kako lahko ljubiš na pol? Ne gre. In strah postaja še večji.

Pokličem svojo mami.
“Mami, nekaj te moram vprašati …”, govorim tiho v telefon.
“Kaj pa je?” me sprašuje zaskrbljeni glas na drugi strani.
“Strah me je. Kako bom lahko imela tako zelo rada drugega otročka? Kako lahko imaš ti rada naju obe? Je to enaka ljubezen? Je to možno?” iz mene se kar vsuje val vprašanj.
Tišina in potem smeh: “Veš, ljubezen se ne deli, ljubezen se množi.”

In kako je imela prav. Ko sem prijela to malo novo bitje v svoje roke, ko sem ga stisnila k sebi in ko je naslonil svojo glavico na moje prsi, ves strah in vsi dvomi so izginili. Ljubezen, čista in močna, neskončna. Pa saj bi lahko že prej vedela, že ko je rastel v meni, sem ga ljubila in pazila, že takrat sem bila zaskrbljena, prve solze sreče ob spoznanju, da sem noseča, druge solze sreče ob prvem slišanem srčnem utripu, ponos ob prvi sliki, veselje ob prvih premikih … In zdaj ga imam. Polna sem ljubezni in ne, ne čutim na pol, čutim še več.

Mami je imela prav, ljubezen se ne deli, ampak množi. Mame imamo vedno prav! 🙂

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